f*cking rain

i can't hear myself think
for the silence in my cornered room
is ambushed by the pitter patter of rain.

the windows are slightly jammed
to let the air go through, in and out
just like the very thought of you in pain.

been through the endless cycle
of left and right, of courtship and goodbye
yet i end up losing the things i thought i had.

crumbling in a state of indecisiveness
after all has been said and done
i realize i know nothing about love.

who wrote the book on this matter?
please hand me a copy, even in its raw form
just to get a glimpse of what to do.

that in the bizarre fate of what they say
is the greatest thing that could happen to a human being
i am everything that's blue.

close my eyes and drown the noise
the inside is fortified by the 6inch wall
but i can feel the wetness the rain brings.

how is that possible when all you thought
was the beginning of something everlasting
could be shaken by a stranger's feel?

was it my fault i let you in that rainy day
and thought shelter was all you needed
now it's me soaked in the unreal.

all the things i held dear and true
all the beliefs i thought would be enough
are toppled by your deliverance of beauty.

amidst the harsh needles outside
i can't think of anything but to break one's heart
just to pursue your unexpected movement inside me.

i crave for another moment
in the dryness of your words
i find comfort and challenge altogether.

i have lost my man's worth
to give up the longevity of what's stable
and risk the image of what's forever.

to have a short-lived romance
over the long normal-paced travel
would it mean i have already made my choice?

drowning in the inevitability
of a broken heart
the rain has flooded my voice.

surrender to the flow of the running water
given up all the various scenarios of what is best
and just let go of what has to be.

i still can't hear myself think
for the silence in my corned room
is now lit by your unending impossibility.

the broken tatsulok (part 2)

i.
used to dream of you
of how your touch would feel on my skin
and how your breath would smell.

i.
never thought you'd hit me this way
an unexpected desire to hold you longer
a tragic curse and magic spell.

i.
have someone in my life now
worthy of all the diamonds on the planet
longevity is what we're after.

i.
was taken by surprise
by how you managed to uproot my beliefs
and rattle my feelings for my lover.

i.
don't know who's to pursue whom
left me in a triangle without corners
all i see are dead ends.

i.
am to hurt you or my lover
somewhere in a position that's hell
of a choice i never thought i'd be in again.

i.
lost myself in your eyes
gravitated to your unmovable strength
shook me to the very core.

i.
used to be alright and contented
with how i lived my day to day
now you made me wonder if there's more.

i.
need some time to think
be by myself and drown the noise
until i hear my heartbeat's peace.

i.
know there's no easy way
for i might end up losing you both
but i have got to do this.

i.
put this burden upon the two of you
as i hang a rope around my neck
this is suicide and birth altogether.

i.
am sorry for hurting you
as i am happy to be holding you
for i am to love one and say goodbye to another.

damn

Damn the night for taking from me
all the light i need to see
my loved one's face, my loved one's eyes
'cause in the dark, i just see lies.
Damn the day for stopping me
to travel out into my dreams
for when i sleep i hold you near,
within your arms i know no fear.

Damn the hour it seems so fast
your memories don't seem to last,
those times within your sweet embrace,
in an hour they're all erased.
Damn the time that moves so slow
the loneliness in me won't go
they claim that time would heal all wounds
i know for me this ain't no good.

Damn the lies on which i take
refuge each time i mistake
my fantasy for something true,
unreachable-- for me, that's you.
Damn the truth that blows upon
my face each time i know you're gone
i can't accept the fact that you
can't love me as much as i do.

Damn the world for leaving me
alone, forgotten, incomplete,
they never understood my love
even took from me what i can't have.
Damn my self that's all CONFUSED
what i really need i never knew,
someday somehow i'd realize
my answers lie deep inside.

i but not of myself

I exist.
Not only for myself
But for a reason
Greater than me and all the things I've held dear.
Be that reason.

That I let go of myself
But be embraced by you
That I lose my self
But be found in you
That I die to myself
But be borne of you.

Like it's the first time I opened my eyes
To the sunshine and to the rain
Both at the same time.

For this day
Above all days I've had
And all the days to come
I exist
Not only for myself
But for a reason
Greater than me and all the things I've believed in.
Be that reason.

during my free time

i wonder what's it like to be loved by you.

i wonder what's it like to be your first thought of the day.
to give you another reason to live
that i am with you and that's all that matters.

i wonder what's it like to be held by you.
to wake up each morning feeling alright and blest
that no fear could ever come inbetween us.

i wonder what's it like to be kissed by you.
to feel your lips pressed gently against mine
that we believe time can actually slow down.

i wonder what's it like to hold your hand.
and feel the security your touch would bring
that spaces inbetween our fingers have a better purpose.

i wonder what's it like to hear you breathe.
to imagine you whisper endless sweet nothings
that culminate to a song only our hearts can understand.

i wonder what's it like to sit beside you.
to picture how the sunset would be any different from the rest
that we learn to appreciate the beauty when you have someone to share it with.

i wonder what's it like to rest my head on your shoulders.
to leave my cares away and let the world drift by
that i realize there's no better place to be in than there with you.

i wonder what's it like to be your last thought at night.
to make you smile and ease the day's troubles
that you need not fear for i am a part of your every dream.

i wonder what's it like to be loved by you.

the immeasurability of love

they say
that you only have one great love in a lifetime...
if that is so,
then i must have ceased to exist already.

it just makes me wonder if ever there is such a thing
as comparing
great loves of the past to great loves of the present.

and if so, what kind of measurement do i use?
the time?
the weeks?
the months?
the sex?
the number of texts you get in a day?
the number of times you say i love you?

and as you go from great love to great love, do you ever wonder
if maybe
just maybe
you ended the greatEST love and moved on to the greatER love?

then how do we measure?
on the result?
on the width of your smile?
on the times your stomach ached for missing this person's touch?

will we ever be satisfied of a great love
if we let go of a greatER love
if we end of a greatEST love
will we be ever satisfied with a great love?

or is there still the hope of finding the greatEST-EST love
after each greatEST love?

i'm losing hope...

you took away the greatEST love that i have ever known.
ever felt.

and i'm starting to believe

that i stopped loving
my greatest
when i lost you...

damn it.

my art of letting go

(WBJJESD)

it has been long years since you've gone away
and left me here hanging for reasons to stay
those wicked months of sleepless nights
i end it all now, no logic left to fight.

because i know that i have been replaced
though you never told me with a straight face
i never know why you had to turn around
was i too dumb to believe this was somewhere bound?

i lost my everything as you walked out on me
how could i get it back when it's you whom i set free
but no matter how much i kept hold of you
i realize that the promise of you and i are through.

i admit i still wish for you when i'm sad
i still see your face and pretend it's you i once had
these thoughts still linger and never seem to fade
a security blanket of what's never there, i made.

i wonder why they say that time would heal all wounds
when it's matter of the heart, we're all fallen fools
so i say that i'm sure that i'll never get over you
but i have to try and live the existence i once knew.

one day at a time's all i got in prayer
knowing that each moment can be a chance to get over
the power of not knowing i take as a shield
to keep me sane from feeling a brokeness that won't heal.

at times i can feel a tear falling down my cheeks
i feel like my mind's not over memory tricks
for my heart would just burst from too much missing you
so i let my tears run of reasons i never had a clue.

days would pass me by as i stand here in the rain
the very place i wish you'd come back to me again
but as i feel the harsh coldness of the roaring thunder
i numb at the thought of you and him in bed together.

it used to be so right when i hear you laugh at me
now i question if my love's a joke that you thought was funny
so crushed at the thought that you could've been THE ONE
but left me here shattered with the biggest piece gone.

the moonlit shadow of your smile keeps me reminded
of how once i believed in our love unrequited
i turn on the lights and my room is getting smaller
and it's all of you in me and around me that linger.

as fallen autumn leaves are slowly pulled by gravity
i feel like my bleeding heart would break instantly
for it used to be your arms that pulled me up to the clouds
now it's just me, struggling to be safe and sound.

you'll never see these words that i've written
now that there's no way hell can ever touch heaven
i helplessly reach for you as you reach for someone else
an endless mind game that my heart won't foretell.

i pray to the skies that you'd feel how much i've learned
of how much i've matured after feeling all burned
would you be proud of me for standing up again
or would you have wanted me on the ground, broken?

our imaginary home i would be leaving behind
broken promises and mixed feelings are all you'd find
and as the powerlessness of fear would come over me
i hold on to tomorrow's shady possibility.

a memory of what used to be, that's how you'd remain
i better start packing my bags, no more hurt and pain
for seasons of unrequited glances would just be
a part of a haunted past that tonight i'd be setting free.

it has been long years since you've gone away
and tonight there's just one last thing i need to say
you're taking all my love that's why you have to know
i still love you this much that's why i'm letting you go.

the hurt of you

it hurt a year ago
it will hurt again tomorrow
it still hurts 'til this day
and i'm certain it won't go away.

for whatever reason you hold
for leaving me out in the cold
is locked in a memory
of an "us" that could not be
should you come back to me
and tell me i'm your only
i'd gladly risk it all
for another chance to fall.

i heard you found somebody new
does he make you laugh like i do?
yet still i'd be looking behind
hoping it's you i would find.

but until that time arrives
this sweet longing i keep inside
feet on the ground, walk one more mile
around my friends, i flash a smile
i lift my head and be strong
because i know it won't be long
til someone else would come my way
and sweep me off my feet one day.

one fact remains 'til time stands still
for you, this heart would beat and feel
whoever's by your side tonight
i realize it's him who's right.

it hurt a minute ago
it will hurt again i know
never mattered what time of day
it's you forever and it won't go away.

22nd of 5

i don't wanna cry no more.
but these are the times of day
that i feel i lost the love of my life
and afraid,
very much afraid,
of never finding you again
of never singing those songs again.
i never got my chance--
to love you,
to hug you,
to kiss you,
to sing my songs for you.
i thought you'd hear them.
i thought you'd sing them back to me.
but you didn't
and all the rest of things you didn't do.
i swore my heart shouted for you,
demanded somehow,
that you'd return the feelings
i gave you
i offered you
but never did.
hearing that familiar song
once again today,
i wish i could be deaf--
to the voices in my head,
to the songs over the radio.
i wish a lot of things,
one of them,
for you to come back
and give me another chance,
just ONE, one last (or first) chance.
i wish i could make you turn around
and see right through.
i wish for you
but to no avail,
still hearing that song,
still feeling this regret,
still hanging on to you,
still crying,
though i wish
with all my might,
with all the strength that i have left,
that i won't cry anymore.
but i do,
i always do.
i dont wanna cry no more.

the counting game (part 1)

seven...are the times that you cross my hazy mind
in every minute that goes by, you know it's all of you
your illuminary face has left my heartsight be blind
for either love or deception left me without a clue.

six...are the billions of people in the planet
yet all i ask for is the one thing never to be granted
for amidst the every desire that i humbly have wanted
it was your unreturned love that left me dumbfounded.

five...are the letters that spell out your name
my heart longed to own it but never was meant to be
was the spirit that walked beside me to be blamed
for you let me say it like i was your ONE and only?

four...are the years that have soaked me under the rain
as you walled around yourself and took another step
away to the life that you never could bare again
my half-built existence plunged into a fruitless death!

three...are the meaningful words that you never said
cause by any chance my feelings to you seemed absurd
although my heart wasn't afraid, took the risk and fell
your "i love you" was the very last thing i heard.

two...are the hands that longed to keep you protected
yet you never held me close for a chance to be alive
the long walk under the new moon never really existed
was it a mind trick played in my fate's undone design?

one...is the you that i can't and won't replace
your voice, your touch, your smile crowd my every night
the unreleased devil that held the sweetest face
perpetually remain in my dreams til break of light.

zero...is the chance that an "us" could've been
if only you had given this immortal heart a try
now what's left are fading thoughts of you and me
and upon my cheeks, the tears that i cannot hide.

it used to be sweet when you were a lil' child counting
now you see that this grown boy has refused to move on
for if only i could bring it back to our first meeting
i'd risk to live another life for you to love me all along.

the melody of was

you used to sit in front of the piano
trying to create an unpolished song
a song that you haven't really known
a song that no one ever heard
you slip into a trance as if
the moving wind outside flows into you
your fingers slowly pressed the keys
you stopped... and moved again.

i heard the first few notes like rain
one by one like drops of acid
it seemed so harsh as you began to play
without a clue, it sounded insane
it broke at some point, i heard you swear
frustrated even at the first few lines
your fingers slowly pressed the keys
you stopped... and moved again.

you looked into the ceiling like there's
more to the plain white paint above you
i saw you flash a proudlike smile
like you found the answer to a childhood inquiry
a deep breath-like sound you exhaled
as if the mistaken beat never happened
your fingers slowly pressed the keys
you stopped... and moved again.

moving thru your fingers one by one
the sound that started misunderstood
now became a harmony of unclear emotions
a perfect blend of ins and outs
i can almost hear the beating of my heart
to the rhythmic sonnet of your music
your fingers slowly pressed the keys
you stopped... and moved again.

how fast your song halted to a state
of unreturnable judgment of what was a moving experience
since you've left the piece unfinished, unmoved
i held on to a dream that you would've made possible
this time there's no more to hear
this time there's just me and the black and white
your fingers slowly pressed the keys
you stopped... BUT didn't move again.

a memory of how you used to glide
amidst the abyss of sharps and clefs
as swift as the music of your soul ended
i now sit in front of the piano by myself
crying for one moment to hear you play
reminiscing of that perfect mistake that you've made
when your fingers slowly pressed the keys
but you stopped... never to move again.

the lifejacket

i drown
in the colors of you.
that in the light that once showed us
the faces of love
that i insisted i knew
now i found myself drowning
in the black hole of my choice.
i made a decision.
to let those colors
those colors of you
to fade
with me absorbing
all that is good
and all that is bad
in you.
i drown
in the happiness of you.
that in every smile i had realized
that never was there
you had me wondering
if id be able to find those smiles again
that in your absence
the absence of your disgusting crooked teeth
i heard the sweetest and most dangerous
words ever spoken.
i made a decision.
to hold my tongue
and never allow it to run
and catch another heart
only to break
all that is good
and all that is bad
in you.
i drown
in the strangeness of you.
i crept into your heart
and found my name
written all over it
above it
around it
behind it
i got lost in my name
inside your heart
full of f*cked up sh*t
of how life was when i was with you.
i made a decision.
to make sure my feet are clean
before i enter again
never to step inside
only to steal
all that is good
and all that is bad
in you.

i drown.
in you.

but now it's time
to save yourself.

so let me be.
let me drown
in you.

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in a world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is Nothing.