crutches

I sit still.
As the earth is moving,
Revolving around its destined path
Around the sun.
I count the very second that I get to move
And walk once again.
I envy the earth.
It constantly turns nights into days.
How easy it is for him,
Real easy.
Does it ever get bored of doing the same thing
Day in, day out?
God, no.
Then we'd all be dead if it stops moving.
I don't want to die yet.
I haven't really gotten to move again.
So I sit still.

Anticipating.
Wondering.
Longing.
Praying.

I sit patiently.
Unknowingly how time passes me by.
The seasons have begun to change
Drastically as if winter is in between summer and autumn.
I never get to see spring.
How come?
I thought we're all under the same sky,
Yet somehow the snow never left my doorstep.
The new blooms are still covered
By thick white snow.
How something so white be ever so cold?
I wonder if this, too, shall pass.
So I sit patiently.

Awaiting.
Daydreaming.
Sighing.
Praying.

I sit here breathing.
Every heartbeat belongs to someone.
I spread myself thinly
To the things I thought were important.
I forgot what really is worth of me
And my energy.
I lost it to the cascading tears of a lonely heart.
Inhaling what's left,
Decreasing the momentary push and pull of my tummy.
I don't want to feel the numbness
Of an empty chair beside me.
Love has given me another lesson to learn.
I sit here breathing.

Blinking.
Hurting.
Craving.
Praying.

Please.
Come by.
And pick me up off my feet.

I want to walk again.
Please.

dreaming @ 12:58 am

Take me away.
To far-off castles and fortresses
Of high-rise walls and open lawns.
I dream of what's it like
To just run free
And to know there's someone out there
Watching me
Like I'm the only one moving
Amidst the swaying irises.

I run crazily,
Shouting at the top of my lungs
How it feels good to be alive
And be alive for one person and one person only.

I wonder if you smile at the thought of me.
Like there's a hidden message
Why we're like this.
Hungry for life
And its complications
Yet we remain an unsolved mystery;
And the deepest desire
To finish each other's sentences
Doesn't bother us at all.

The sunlight burns the cattails.
Even drying the lakeside.
But I raise my wondering eyes
As if I were his friend and he was mine.
I wanna touch it,
And hold it,
And keep it for myself.
This time I want to be selfish
To own the sunlight
And its promise of a new day.
Then at least I wouldn't have to worry
About sleeping 8 hours
Or even half of my lifetime.
For I possess the light
And it is bound to me
Chained to all that is warm and fuzzy.
Exactly how I feel when I see you smile.

Glistening in the moondrops of the early morn
I shiver at the sight of the vastness of the skies
How infinitely small I am
Compared to the constellation Orion.
You say to me I am the only star
That lingers in your heaven
A moving body that circles and circles your every purpose.
You gave it a name.
A name that is familiar
A name that only you call me.
Now you own the star.
I own the sun.
Who owns the galaxy?

Take me away.
Where there's nothing wrong
With wanting something that's never going to be yours.
Where there's equal happiness
At the sight of a colorful horizon and an autumn maple leaf.
Where there's endless summer and rain at the same time.
Where there's an assurance
That we are loved without holding back
That we are held without restriction.
Where there's a life
That isn't too easy that we know not how to swear
Nor too difficult that we know not how to laugh.
Where there's only our names
Written on the sand.

Take me away with you.
Until we grant the solemn promise
Made between heaven and hell
That this is meant to be.

Your eyes have made all things alive.

Where there's you,
I am home.

the labor day masterpiece

I close my eyes.

I see you smile.
I see the way you first looked at me.
From a distance.
Not too far, not too near.
Just a perfect distance.
That I can reach your aura.
An aura of youth
Of vibrance
Of hunger for life.
You surprise me.
I think my lack of this zest
Brings me closer to how you are.
And how you want to be.
I am drawn to you.

I open my eyes.

I admit it does scare me.
That your pace might leave me stranded.
In a place where I just look at you.
From a distance.
This I fear.
Most of all.
That you leave me.
As you answer the call of the wild.
As you accept the challenges of life.
As you bask in the spotlight.
Should we work around it?
Do we work through it?
Can we make it?
It's up to me.
It's up to you.
It's up to us.
Supposedly, an us has to be in order of things.

I close my eyes.

I'm thinking ahead.
Yet you choose to play it by ear.
Even that, i fear.
Of us not being in the same page.
You're already at the momentum of life.
I'm browsing thru the table of contents.
Does it really matter to you?
It has begun to matter to me.
It's in my eyes.
It's in my smile.
It's in my touch.
Especially in my touch.
Can you feel it?
Or does it stop at the epidermis?
It transcends all of me.
From the future that I know not.
To the past that holds no return.
It is you in the present.
A present I am wittingly accepting
To be anything but natural.
Your presence has blown me away.
Into proportions that I never knew existed.
I can't stop thinking about you.
And how I know I can make you happy.
Or just how we breathe the same oxygen
Pulls me into coma.
A coma of you and your lips.
A perfect combination of what is unexplainable.
Unrealistic.
A simple truth of how once it was all easy.
Now you've given me a choice.
That still you realize you've handed to me
Quite unknowingly
Yet it seems to me you know how to play deadly games on people.

I open my eyes.

Do you know this is for you?

In simple words,
You're a masterpiece.
I cannot ever ever afford.

Give yourself to me then.

I close my eyes.

unsettling

i wish that i could just disappear for a while.

in the stillness of the night,
it is still your face that i dream of.
in the cruelty of fate,
it is still your hand that i long for.

my friends can see the emptiness.
an emptiness that i try to fill
with sweet memories of what used to be.
i try to cover it up.
real hard to cover it up.
but somehow i still keep mentioning your name.
to them.
true friends understand.
shitty friends pretend to understand.
great friends just hold me, without trying to understand.
i let them hold me.
for in their grasp, i feel that i am getting better
by the second
that turns into minutes
that turn into hours
that turn into days
that turn into months.

it has been 3 months and 4 days.
since i last heard you said you love me.
and still withering in the sands of time,
it'll be soon til i count a year.
do i last til then?
true friends say no.
shitty friends say yes.
true friends say nothing.
i bask in the sunlight of silence.
for in their righteousness, they choose to stay out of it.
stopped for a second
that turns into minutes
that turn into hours
that turn into days
that turn into months.

i flashbacked to that moment
that particular moment
when God, the universe, the planets, the oxygen, the pavement
surrounded you and i.
you wept.
i promised not to make you cry.
but you wept.
for whom?
for me?
for yourself?
for us?
for the two of you?
i promised not to make you cry.
but you wept.
did you see my tears?
a moment of vulnerability and inescapable truths
to true friends, i opened up.
to shitty friends, i fascinated.
to great friends, i cried.
that in every drop my eyes released,
i felt my heart breaking and healing at the same time.
yet they let me let it out.
just like that.
to make it easier.
even for a second
that turns into minutes
that turn into hours
that turn into days
that turn into months.

in the hustles of the day,
it is still your face that i draw strength from.
in the reality of the path you have chosen for us,
it is still your hand that im hanging onto.

i wish that you could disappear for a while.

so we could love each other again
in the impossibility.

time in the middle of a break-up season

all i have is time.

for time as they claim, can heal all wounds.
wounds of division.
wounds of neglect.
wounds of depression.
wounds of a simple heartbreak.
but does it really?

i read one time that the heart isn't the one that breaks.
it is faith.
then you stop believing.

as one song goes, the heart can go through anything.
that only time can tell
how much the heart can bear.

fucking shit.

you just don't know what and who to believe anymore.

after months of singlehood,
i still find myself waking up to the possibility of you coming back.
that i had to drag myself out of bed
just to wash my face clean
and look at the mirror
and see a reflection of once was happy
and loved without reservation.
yet now all i see is a face
an unfamiliar face
that lost a certain glow of ecstacy.
an ecstacy that once belonged to someone
or caused by someone
who looks at this face
and sees a person of worth.

i look at my reflection.
and i see no worth.

how sad.
the saddest of all the things in the world.
is how i cannot seem to get over the fact
that this is how it shall be from now on.

i still crave time with you.
silently. very still. in the stillness of the darkest night.
i still crave time with you.

i never thought i'd be standing here again.
broken up.
into pieces that do not quite fit the whole
i once possessed.

the break-up season is indeed the toughest time in a person's life.
yet somehow after the shadow, the light nearby shines.

i really wish for it to be over.
that in a couple of days, exactly a year ago,
was when i was happiest.

how quickly time has eluded
and took it away from me.

give it back.

desperately wanting it back.

i want to see my worth again.
and never have to face another break-up season.

i hope this just passes me once.

have i already learned my lesson?
you tell me.

don't worry.
i have all the time.

crossroad

tonight, i stand before you
like any of the other nights since you've gone away.
i stand before you
not knowing how to start walking without you.
i'm stuck.
i couldn't believe that you've gone
so so far away
without me.
when i thought i was the one
you couldn't live without.
but now we are living half-full lives.
or is it just me?
i don't want to go on without you.
but what can i do?
when you've gone
so so far away
without me.

i am so empty without you.

you are my reason for being happy.
so how can you say that i am not,
when i was there with you always?
loneliness has left me crying my nights away.
hopefully when i wake up,
you'd be there.
tell me, will you be there?
your leaving has left me in tears.
did i ever make you feel insignificant?
my world may be small.
but it was you who made it go 'round.
haven't i told you, of how much of a reason you are to me
to be alive?
you are the air i breathe.
haven't i stressed enough
of how happy you make me?
you do babe.
from day one, you do.
so don't you ever tell me that i'd be happy somewhere else.
right where you are is where i'd rather be.

but if loving you would mean
standing here 'til you come back,
then i shall remain standing for the rest of my life.
until you come back.

come back.

come back.

come back.

you know for a fact that i would meet you halfway.

come back.

come back.

come back.

i miss you

i miss you.

i've been counting the days til i can finally say that i am over you.
it's even disturbing to think that you have already moved on.
without me, of course.
but do i even cross your mind when you're doing nothing?
do you ever wonder if i still think of you?
of course i do.
to the very core of me, you know i do.
why'd you have to go?
you told me of your reasons.
yet somehow, i don't entirely believe them.
for why would you shed tears?
was it for show?
i hope not.
i hope you really loved me.
for i did.
for i do.
and probably for the longest time, i will.
until you come back.
or someone new would come along.
or a newer version of you would come along.
i cried for you.
just not to your face.
for my weakness would only bring you lower.
i don't want that.
it has always been your happiness that i wished for.
even in my prayers, i mention your name.
your very happiness is all that matters to me.
so i cry in silence.
i cried to my friends.
i cried to my pillows.
i cried to God.
just not to your face.
you matter to me more than you can ever imagine.
i am not putting any burden upon you nor make you feel guilty.
for love knows no guilt.
just the outflow of what is genuinely good.
i want you to know how you still hold me in my dreams.
even in my dreams i can talk to you.
you just don't answer me back.
but seeing your eyes even in my dreams is worth it.
sometimes, i don't want to wake up at all for them to last longer.
you say we let go.
but i am still holding on.
people laugh.
yeah they laugh.
to my face a couple of times.
yet i need not defend myself.
for they never could understand.
i loved you like there was no one before you.
nor would follow you.
i love you still.
today is a special day.
it used to be our day.
now, i celebrate it by myself.
and with you in my dreams.
not really knowing of how to reach you.
or if you'd reach out to me in return.
so i sit still.
patiently.
for that grand gesture.
probably you wouldn't .
but still i hope.
for in all that has happened between us,
i see a side of you i never can let go of.
i love you to my final days.

i miss you.