i miss you

i miss you.

i've been counting the days til i can finally say that i am over you.
it's even disturbing to think that you have already moved on.
without me, of course.
but do i even cross your mind when you're doing nothing?
do you ever wonder if i still think of you?
of course i do.
to the very core of me, you know i do.
why'd you have to go?
you told me of your reasons.
yet somehow, i don't entirely believe them.
for why would you shed tears?
was it for show?
i hope not.
i hope you really loved me.
for i did.
for i do.
and probably for the longest time, i will.
until you come back.
or someone new would come along.
or a newer version of you would come along.
i cried for you.
just not to your face.
for my weakness would only bring you lower.
i don't want that.
it has always been your happiness that i wished for.
even in my prayers, i mention your name.
your very happiness is all that matters to me.
so i cry in silence.
i cried to my friends.
i cried to my pillows.
i cried to God.
just not to your face.
you matter to me more than you can ever imagine.
i am not putting any burden upon you nor make you feel guilty.
for love knows no guilt.
just the outflow of what is genuinely good.
i want you to know how you still hold me in my dreams.
even in my dreams i can talk to you.
you just don't answer me back.
but seeing your eyes even in my dreams is worth it.
sometimes, i don't want to wake up at all for them to last longer.
you say we let go.
but i am still holding on.
people laugh.
yeah they laugh.
to my face a couple of times.
yet i need not defend myself.
for they never could understand.
i loved you like there was no one before you.
nor would follow you.
i love you still.
today is a special day.
it used to be our day.
now, i celebrate it by myself.
and with you in my dreams.
not really knowing of how to reach you.
or if you'd reach out to me in return.
so i sit still.
patiently.
for that grand gesture.
probably you wouldn't .
but still i hope.
for in all that has happened between us,
i see a side of you i never can let go of.
i love you to my final days.

i miss you.