crossroad

tonight, i stand before you
like any of the other nights since you've gone away.
i stand before you
not knowing how to start walking without you.
i'm stuck.
i couldn't believe that you've gone
so so far away
without me.
when i thought i was the one
you couldn't live without.
but now we are living half-full lives.
or is it just me?
i don't want to go on without you.
but what can i do?
when you've gone
so so far away
without me.

i am so empty without you.

you are my reason for being happy.
so how can you say that i am not,
when i was there with you always?
loneliness has left me crying my nights away.
hopefully when i wake up,
you'd be there.
tell me, will you be there?
your leaving has left me in tears.
did i ever make you feel insignificant?
my world may be small.
but it was you who made it go 'round.
haven't i told you, of how much of a reason you are to me
to be alive?
you are the air i breathe.
haven't i stressed enough
of how happy you make me?
you do babe.
from day one, you do.
so don't you ever tell me that i'd be happy somewhere else.
right where you are is where i'd rather be.

but if loving you would mean
standing here 'til you come back,
then i shall remain standing for the rest of my life.
until you come back.

come back.

come back.

come back.

you know for a fact that i would meet you halfway.

come back.

come back.

come back.

i miss you

i miss you.

i've been counting the days til i can finally say that i am over you.
it's even disturbing to think that you have already moved on.
without me, of course.
but do i even cross your mind when you're doing nothing?
do you ever wonder if i still think of you?
of course i do.
to the very core of me, you know i do.
why'd you have to go?
you told me of your reasons.
yet somehow, i don't entirely believe them.
for why would you shed tears?
was it for show?
i hope not.
i hope you really loved me.
for i did.
for i do.
and probably for the longest time, i will.
until you come back.
or someone new would come along.
or a newer version of you would come along.
i cried for you.
just not to your face.
for my weakness would only bring you lower.
i don't want that.
it has always been your happiness that i wished for.
even in my prayers, i mention your name.
your very happiness is all that matters to me.
so i cry in silence.
i cried to my friends.
i cried to my pillows.
i cried to God.
just not to your face.
you matter to me more than you can ever imagine.
i am not putting any burden upon you nor make you feel guilty.
for love knows no guilt.
just the outflow of what is genuinely good.
i want you to know how you still hold me in my dreams.
even in my dreams i can talk to you.
you just don't answer me back.
but seeing your eyes even in my dreams is worth it.
sometimes, i don't want to wake up at all for them to last longer.
you say we let go.
but i am still holding on.
people laugh.
yeah they laugh.
to my face a couple of times.
yet i need not defend myself.
for they never could understand.
i loved you like there was no one before you.
nor would follow you.
i love you still.
today is a special day.
it used to be our day.
now, i celebrate it by myself.
and with you in my dreams.
not really knowing of how to reach you.
or if you'd reach out to me in return.
so i sit still.
patiently.
for that grand gesture.
probably you wouldn't .
but still i hope.
for in all that has happened between us,
i see a side of you i never can let go of.
i love you to my final days.

i miss you.

the worst part of missing you

it's been a while since i last saw your face
when the sun seemed minute compared to your radiance
yet somehow in that particular time and space
all i had for you to take was an empty goodbye glance.

for how was i to know that you and i would part
i thought you and i was something that wouldn't change one bit
you say that my thoughts would reach you though you're that far
no matter what, our roads would at one point eventually meet.

i gave you an inconsistent smile just to fill the void
i can feel you breathing down my neck yet i can't hear your heartbeat
you try to calm my fears as you speak with an encouraging voice
but both you and i know you're taking the very half of me.

and i don't know if you're feeling the same way as i do,
'cause there's the uncertainty that once you return, everything we knew has changed
the recognition of the love that was once held dear and true
would it still remain strong or start to go vague?

probably still, i wonder inside if we're that strong enough to wait
to carry through the winter heat or blossoming autumn fall
perhaps the very worst part of missing you today
is the fact that you're not coming home at all.

f*cking rain

i can't hear myself think
for the silence in my cornered room
is ambushed by the pitter patter of rain.

the windows are slightly jammed
to let the air go through, in and out
just like the very thought of you in pain.

been through the endless cycle
of left and right, of courtship and goodbye
yet i end up losing the things i thought i had.

crumbling in a state of indecisiveness
after all has been said and done
i realize i know nothing about love.

who wrote the book on this matter?
please hand me a copy, even in its raw form
just to get a glimpse of what to do.

that in the bizarre fate of what they say
is the greatest thing that could happen to a human being
i am everything that's blue.

close my eyes and drown the noise
the inside is fortified by the 6inch wall
but i can feel the wetness the rain brings.

how is that possible when all you thought
was the beginning of something everlasting
could be shaken by a stranger's feel?

was it my fault i let you in that rainy day
and thought shelter was all you needed
now it's me soaked in the unreal.

all the things i held dear and true
all the beliefs i thought would be enough
are toppled by your deliverance of beauty.

amidst the harsh needles outside
i can't think of anything but to break one's heart
just to pursue your unexpected movement inside me.

i crave for another moment
in the dryness of your words
i find comfort and challenge altogether.

i have lost my man's worth
to give up the longevity of what's stable
and risk the image of what's forever.

to have a short-lived romance
over the long normal-paced travel
would it mean i have already made my choice?

drowning in the inevitability
of a broken heart
the rain has flooded my voice.

surrender to the flow of the running water
given up all the various scenarios of what is best
and just let go of what has to be.

i still can't hear myself think
for the silence in my corned room
is now lit by your unending impossibility.

the broken tatsulok (part 2)

i.
used to dream of you
of how your touch would feel on my skin
and how your breath would smell.

i.
never thought you'd hit me this way
an unexpected desire to hold you longer
a tragic curse and magic spell.

i.
have someone in my life now
worthy of all the diamonds on the planet
longevity is what we're after.

i.
was taken by surprise
by how you managed to uproot my beliefs
and rattle my feelings for my lover.

i.
don't know who's to pursue whom
left me in a triangle without corners
all i see are dead ends.

i.
am to hurt you or my lover
somewhere in a position that's hell
of a choice i never thought i'd be in again.

i.
lost myself in your eyes
gravitated to your unmovable strength
shook me to the very core.

i.
used to be alright and contented
with how i lived my day to day
now you made me wonder if there's more.

i.
need some time to think
be by myself and drown the noise
until i hear my heartbeat's peace.

i.
know there's no easy way
for i might end up losing you both
but i have got to do this.

i.
put this burden upon the two of you
as i hang a rope around my neck
this is suicide and birth altogether.

i.
am sorry for hurting you
as i am happy to be holding you
for i am to love one and say goodbye to another.

damn

Damn the night for taking from me
all the light i need to see
my loved one's face, my loved one's eyes
'cause in the dark, i just see lies.
Damn the day for stopping me
to travel out into my dreams
for when i sleep i hold you near,
within your arms i know no fear.

Damn the hour it seems so fast
your memories don't seem to last,
those times within your sweet embrace,
in an hour they're all erased.
Damn the time that moves so slow
the loneliness in me won't go
they claim that time would heal all wounds
i know for me this ain't no good.

Damn the lies on which i take
refuge each time i mistake
my fantasy for something true,
unreachable-- for me, that's you.
Damn the truth that blows upon
my face each time i know you're gone
i can't accept the fact that you
can't love me as much as i do.

Damn the world for leaving me
alone, forgotten, incomplete,
they never understood my love
even took from me what i can't have.
Damn my self that's all CONFUSED
what i really need i never knew,
someday somehow i'd realize
my answers lie deep inside.

i but not of myself

I exist.
Not only for myself
But for a reason
Greater than me and all the things I've held dear.
Be that reason.

That I let go of myself
But be embraced by you
That I lose my self
But be found in you
That I die to myself
But be borne of you.

Like it's the first time I opened my eyes
To the sunshine and to the rain
Both at the same time.

For this day
Above all days I've had
And all the days to come
I exist
Not only for myself
But for a reason
Greater than me and all the things I've believed in.
Be that reason.