f*cking rain

i can't hear myself think
for the silence in my cornered room
is ambushed by the pitter patter of rain.

the windows are slightly jammed
to let the air go through, in and out
just like the very thought of you in pain.

been through the endless cycle
of left and right, of courtship and goodbye
yet i end up losing the things i thought i had.

crumbling in a state of indecisiveness
after all has been said and done
i realize i know nothing about love.

who wrote the book on this matter?
please hand me a copy, even in its raw form
just to get a glimpse of what to do.

that in the bizarre fate of what they say
is the greatest thing that could happen to a human being
i am everything that's blue.

close my eyes and drown the noise
the inside is fortified by the 6inch wall
but i can feel the wetness the rain brings.

how is that possible when all you thought
was the beginning of something everlasting
could be shaken by a stranger's feel?

was it my fault i let you in that rainy day
and thought shelter was all you needed
now it's me soaked in the unreal.

all the things i held dear and true
all the beliefs i thought would be enough
are toppled by your deliverance of beauty.

amidst the harsh needles outside
i can't think of anything but to break one's heart
just to pursue your unexpected movement inside me.

i crave for another moment
in the dryness of your words
i find comfort and challenge altogether.

i have lost my man's worth
to give up the longevity of what's stable
and risk the image of what's forever.

to have a short-lived romance
over the long normal-paced travel
would it mean i have already made my choice?

drowning in the inevitability
of a broken heart
the rain has flooded my voice.

surrender to the flow of the running water
given up all the various scenarios of what is best
and just let go of what has to be.

i still can't hear myself think
for the silence in my corned room
is now lit by your unending impossibility.

the broken tatsulok (part 2)

i.
used to dream of you
of how your touch would feel on my skin
and how your breath would smell.

i.
never thought you'd hit me this way
an unexpected desire to hold you longer
a tragic curse and magic spell.

i.
have someone in my life now
worthy of all the diamonds on the planet
longevity is what we're after.

i.
was taken by surprise
by how you managed to uproot my beliefs
and rattle my feelings for my lover.

i.
don't know who's to pursue whom
left me in a triangle without corners
all i see are dead ends.

i.
am to hurt you or my lover
somewhere in a position that's hell
of a choice i never thought i'd be in again.

i.
lost myself in your eyes
gravitated to your unmovable strength
shook me to the very core.

i.
used to be alright and contented
with how i lived my day to day
now you made me wonder if there's more.

i.
need some time to think
be by myself and drown the noise
until i hear my heartbeat's peace.

i.
know there's no easy way
for i might end up losing you both
but i have got to do this.

i.
put this burden upon the two of you
as i hang a rope around my neck
this is suicide and birth altogether.

i.
am sorry for hurting you
as i am happy to be holding you
for i am to love one and say goodbye to another.

damn

Damn the night for taking from me
all the light i need to see
my loved one's face, my loved one's eyes
'cause in the dark, i just see lies.
Damn the day for stopping me
to travel out into my dreams
for when i sleep i hold you near,
within your arms i know no fear.

Damn the hour it seems so fast
your memories don't seem to last,
those times within your sweet embrace,
in an hour they're all erased.
Damn the time that moves so slow
the loneliness in me won't go
they claim that time would heal all wounds
i know for me this ain't no good.

Damn the lies on which i take
refuge each time i mistake
my fantasy for something true,
unreachable-- for me, that's you.
Damn the truth that blows upon
my face each time i know you're gone
i can't accept the fact that you
can't love me as much as i do.

Damn the world for leaving me
alone, forgotten, incomplete,
they never understood my love
even took from me what i can't have.
Damn my self that's all CONFUSED
what i really need i never knew,
someday somehow i'd realize
my answers lie deep inside.

i but not of myself

I exist.
Not only for myself
But for a reason
Greater than me and all the things I've held dear.
Be that reason.

That I let go of myself
But be embraced by you
That I lose my self
But be found in you
That I die to myself
But be borne of you.

Like it's the first time I opened my eyes
To the sunshine and to the rain
Both at the same time.

For this day
Above all days I've had
And all the days to come
I exist
Not only for myself
But for a reason
Greater than me and all the things I've believed in.
Be that reason.

during my free time

i wonder what's it like to be loved by you.

i wonder what's it like to be your first thought of the day.
to give you another reason to live
that i am with you and that's all that matters.

i wonder what's it like to be held by you.
to wake up each morning feeling alright and blest
that no fear could ever come inbetween us.

i wonder what's it like to be kissed by you.
to feel your lips pressed gently against mine
that we believe time can actually slow down.

i wonder what's it like to hold your hand.
and feel the security your touch would bring
that spaces inbetween our fingers have a better purpose.

i wonder what's it like to hear you breathe.
to imagine you whisper endless sweet nothings
that culminate to a song only our hearts can understand.

i wonder what's it like to sit beside you.
to picture how the sunset would be any different from the rest
that we learn to appreciate the beauty when you have someone to share it with.

i wonder what's it like to rest my head on your shoulders.
to leave my cares away and let the world drift by
that i realize there's no better place to be in than there with you.

i wonder what's it like to be your last thought at night.
to make you smile and ease the day's troubles
that you need not fear for i am a part of your every dream.

i wonder what's it like to be loved by you.

the immeasurability of love

they say
that you only have one great love in a lifetime...
if that is so,
then i must have ceased to exist already.

it just makes me wonder if ever there is such a thing
as comparing
great loves of the past to great loves of the present.

and if so, what kind of measurement do i use?
the time?
the weeks?
the months?
the sex?
the number of texts you get in a day?
the number of times you say i love you?

and as you go from great love to great love, do you ever wonder
if maybe
just maybe
you ended the greatEST love and moved on to the greatER love?

then how do we measure?
on the result?
on the width of your smile?
on the times your stomach ached for missing this person's touch?

will we ever be satisfied of a great love
if we let go of a greatER love
if we end of a greatEST love
will we be ever satisfied with a great love?

or is there still the hope of finding the greatEST-EST love
after each greatEST love?

i'm losing hope...

you took away the greatEST love that i have ever known.
ever felt.

and i'm starting to believe

that i stopped loving
my greatest
when i lost you...

damn it.

my art of letting go

(WBJJESD)

it has been long years since you've gone away
and left me here hanging for reasons to stay
those wicked months of sleepless nights
i end it all now, no logic left to fight.

because i know that i have been replaced
though you never told me with a straight face
i never know why you had to turn around
was i too dumb to believe this was somewhere bound?

i lost my everything as you walked out on me
how could i get it back when it's you whom i set free
but no matter how much i kept hold of you
i realize that the promise of you and i are through.

i admit i still wish for you when i'm sad
i still see your face and pretend it's you i once had
these thoughts still linger and never seem to fade
a security blanket of what's never there, i made.

i wonder why they say that time would heal all wounds
when it's matter of the heart, we're all fallen fools
so i say that i'm sure that i'll never get over you
but i have to try and live the existence i once knew.

one day at a time's all i got in prayer
knowing that each moment can be a chance to get over
the power of not knowing i take as a shield
to keep me sane from feeling a brokeness that won't heal.

at times i can feel a tear falling down my cheeks
i feel like my mind's not over memory tricks
for my heart would just burst from too much missing you
so i let my tears run of reasons i never had a clue.

days would pass me by as i stand here in the rain
the very place i wish you'd come back to me again
but as i feel the harsh coldness of the roaring thunder
i numb at the thought of you and him in bed together.

it used to be so right when i hear you laugh at me
now i question if my love's a joke that you thought was funny
so crushed at the thought that you could've been THE ONE
but left me here shattered with the biggest piece gone.

the moonlit shadow of your smile keeps me reminded
of how once i believed in our love unrequited
i turn on the lights and my room is getting smaller
and it's all of you in me and around me that linger.

as fallen autumn leaves are slowly pulled by gravity
i feel like my bleeding heart would break instantly
for it used to be your arms that pulled me up to the clouds
now it's just me, struggling to be safe and sound.

you'll never see these words that i've written
now that there's no way hell can ever touch heaven
i helplessly reach for you as you reach for someone else
an endless mind game that my heart won't foretell.

i pray to the skies that you'd feel how much i've learned
of how much i've matured after feeling all burned
would you be proud of me for standing up again
or would you have wanted me on the ground, broken?

our imaginary home i would be leaving behind
broken promises and mixed feelings are all you'd find
and as the powerlessness of fear would come over me
i hold on to tomorrow's shady possibility.

a memory of what used to be, that's how you'd remain
i better start packing my bags, no more hurt and pain
for seasons of unrequited glances would just be
a part of a haunted past that tonight i'd be setting free.

it has been long years since you've gone away
and tonight there's just one last thing i need to say
you're taking all my love that's why you have to know
i still love you this much that's why i'm letting you go.