unsettling

i wish that i could just disappear for a while.

in the stillness of the night,
it is still your face that i dream of.
in the cruelty of fate,
it is still your hand that i long for.

my friends can see the emptiness.
an emptiness that i try to fill
with sweet memories of what used to be.
i try to cover it up.
real hard to cover it up.
but somehow i still keep mentioning your name.
to them.
true friends understand.
shitty friends pretend to understand.
great friends just hold me, without trying to understand.
i let them hold me.
for in their grasp, i feel that i am getting better
by the second
that turns into minutes
that turn into hours
that turn into days
that turn into months.

it has been 3 months and 4 days.
since i last heard you said you love me.
and still withering in the sands of time,
it'll be soon til i count a year.
do i last til then?
true friends say no.
shitty friends say yes.
true friends say nothing.
i bask in the sunlight of silence.
for in their righteousness, they choose to stay out of it.
stopped for a second
that turns into minutes
that turn into hours
that turn into days
that turn into months.

i flashbacked to that moment
that particular moment
when God, the universe, the planets, the oxygen, the pavement
surrounded you and i.
you wept.
i promised not to make you cry.
but you wept.
for whom?
for me?
for yourself?
for us?
for the two of you?
i promised not to make you cry.
but you wept.
did you see my tears?
a moment of vulnerability and inescapable truths
to true friends, i opened up.
to shitty friends, i fascinated.
to great friends, i cried.
that in every drop my eyes released,
i felt my heart breaking and healing at the same time.
yet they let me let it out.
just like that.
to make it easier.
even for a second
that turns into minutes
that turn into hours
that turn into days
that turn into months.

in the hustles of the day,
it is still your face that i draw strength from.
in the reality of the path you have chosen for us,
it is still your hand that im hanging onto.

i wish that you could disappear for a while.

so we could love each other again
in the impossibility.